The Reason
by Becca the fiend
Summary: "Why did you leave, Nezumi?" Introspective Nezumi POV. Post-Series.


**AN:** Written to get out my thoughts on ending of the novels/anime, and why I think that the story ended the way it did.

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Of all the things I should say to you - I want to say to you - I think "I'm sorry" is the most important for me to say.

I once told you that apologizing was pointless. I still think it is. You always were a bad influence on me. You were - are - a burden on me. Connections with people are always a burden. That's why I tried to remain as strangers - relationships only weigh you down.

It's far too late for our connection to be broken now. It was probably always too late. Even back then, a part of me knew it.

I wasn't lying when I told you that you scared me sometimes. I never really lied to you, though I certainly never told you everything. I've lied plenty of times to other people. I still lie. But I never once considered lying to you as a viable option. I never wanted to. Though I denied it, you were important to me all along.

And that very reason is why you scared me so much. Why you still scare me sometimes, even though I left so long ago. You were the first person since my family that I ever really tried to get close to. The only person I ever learned to see more than just the surface of.

You were probably always more than just the airheaded elite mama's boy I once though you were. But I had blinded my own self from that darker part of you that lay hidden beneath the surface. I didn't know how to really understand a person - how to see the true multifaceted nature behind the outer mask. And once I had seen more, I was scared.

It was never simply the darker side of you that scared me, though watching the way you'd shift into a cold-blooded killer so quickly in the correctional facility was certainly unnerving enough. It was the way you came into my life and started breaking down the walls that I had used to protect myself for so long.

I don't remember much of what my life was like in the forest. I definitely don't remember what kind of person I was. But since then, I had to rely largely on myself to survive. I lived in a world of cruelty and hate. I had so many defense mechanisms in place to keep other people out, and to keep myself alive. All I needed was to destroy the city, and I would be fine. I would be free.

But you managed to get past those defense mechanisms. You got close. You were the one thing I had been trying my best to avoid all that time. It was like I was some sort of defenseless animal of prey. And _you_ were the predator.

I know that you never intended for such a thing. You always were earnest, if nothing else. I doubt you even knew the effect you had on me until the end. Even then - even now - I doubt you fully understood.

There are a lot of things we will probably never understand about each other, no matter how hard we try. We are opposites, and that will never change.

But, I realized after the city walls fell down, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, being tied to you. Trying to understand you a little better. Even I can't deny this bond we share any longer.

And that's why I had to leave you then. My battle had been fought, and it had been won. My purpose had been fulfilled. The city was destroyed. I had nothing else left. I felt almost empty, really, not knowing where my place was anymore.

You had a purpose at the time. Your battle had only just begun. You were needed in the city - I was not. I would become the burden on you. And I certainly wasn't quite ready to simply settle down in the city that had been my biggest enemy for so long.

I needed to wander. I had nothing to tie me down, and I had lived such a detached life for so long, I didn't quite understand the emotions I had. I buried my emotions in order to reach my goal, but I had reached it. And you had already started to forcefully bring out my human side.

I wasn't exactly lost this whole time, though. For a short while, yes, I was a bit lost. But there were so many things about myself that I had to change. That I had to understand. When we met, I understood so little about my true self, not unlike you. And you embraced this so easily, and you wanted so much to understand the me at the time.

When I knew I wanted to understand you better, leaving was the only choice. I don't exactly know how to explain it, but I know I couldn't have stayed. I had to leave, had to relearn everything I thought I once knew about myself, and address the issues I'd simply buried underneath my hatred for the city.

Learning about another person is impossible when you don't know anything about yourself. You cannot understand a person who does not know themselves who they really are, and what they really feel.

I really am looking forward to seeing who you've become after all this time. I'm sure you'll still be very much the same as you've always been. But you'll mature, and little by little, you'll change, as I have, and as I will.

When I come back, I won't leave you again. Maybe we won't settle down in the city just yet - we might end up becoming traveling partners. But I won't return to you until we can mix together like you once desired so badly.

I know enough of you to know you wouldn't let me leave without a fight. I've kept an eye on you when I can - mostly through news of the city I hear while in the other city-states. When you are less needed there, I will return, and we can start again. Whether we settle or continue traveling, I won't leave you this time.

I'm sorry I had to leave you. I know it must have caused you quite a bit of pain. I promised myself that I won't ever do that again. We will reunite, and this time, we will truly stand as equals.

Never forget, Shion. One day we _will_ reunite, and this time, it will be forever.


End file.
